The Annotated Republican Oath
Courtesy of the GOP:
Republican Oath
I’m a Republican Because…
I BELIEVE the strength of our nation lies with the individual and that each person’s dignity, freedom, ability and responsibility must be honored.
Unless, of course, the freedom in question involves marijuana. And dying with dignity is right out. Also, terrorism trumps people’s dignity and freedom. And don’t get us started on abortion.
Also, “honor” may extend only to the sporting of a magnetic ribbon on an SUV.
I BELIEVE in equal rights, equal justice and equal opportunity for all, regardless of race, creed, sex, age or disability.
…but not sexual orientation or religion or lack thereof. Other restrictions may apply.
I BELIEVE free enterprise and encouraging individual initiative have brought this nation opportunity, economic growth and prosperity.
Disclaimer: “encouraging individual initiative” does not extend to social programs to, say, allow single mothers to put their children in daycare so they can go to work. Also, pornography, despite its widespread popularity, does not qualify as a legitimate form of free enterprise.
I BELIEVE government must practice fiscal responsibility and allow individuals to keep more of the money they earn.
Except when a Republican occupies the White House. Then I believe in deficit spending.
I BELIEVE the proper role of government is to provide for the people only those critical functions that cannot be performed by individuals or private organizations and that the best government is that which governs least.
For instance, it is a proper function of a small government to tell gays that they can’t marry.
I BELIEVE the most effective, responsible and responsive government is government closest to the people.
I BELIEVE Americans must retain the principles that have made us strong while developing new and innovative ideas to meet the challenges of changing times.
BELIEVE Americans value and should preserve our national strength and pride while working to extend peace, freedom and human rights throughout the world.
Offer void in Iraq, Cuba, Afghanistan, and elsewhere.
FINALLY, I believe the Republican Party is the best vehicle for translating these ideals into positive and successful principles of government.