Answering XKCD
The answer the character is looking for is
osascript -e "set volume output volume 100"
Of course, much like the character in the original strip, I first tried ssh-ing in to the laptop where I have this defined as an alias (nope; it’s asleep), ssh-ing in to the other Mac to see if I’d copied the alias to all Macs (that one’s asleep too), looking through backups (nope; laptop backs up to a directly-attached disk (see “it’s asleep”, above), and the other Mac’s backups came up empty), grepping through my home wiki and other notes to see if I had written this down anywhere (bupkis).
I had to wait until I came home and had physical access to the laptop to wake it up and read my .cshrc.